May 24th (I should have been Sober)
Hello children, today's lesson is; Never do favors for anyone. Apparently, the cool kids don't say thank you these days. Things are expected, things are owed to you, you are the fucking king of the world. My bad.
May 26th (An Attempt is Necessary)
Hey you little rugrats, Today's Lesson is; Check your b-day cards for checks immediately! This will avoid finding a $40.00 check from 4 years ago you can no longer cash. FRICK.
June 2nd (The Flipper Snapper oops)
Hey ya little turds, Today's Lesson is very important. During a move, pack your valuables in labeled boxes. Don't need to get anal about it but...it would be great to find my bus and Gym pass sometime flippin soon. Gaaah flipper snapper!
June 7th (A force of Confidence)
Hey little runts, today's lesson is to grow a pair. Slap your inner pansy and brown nose your ego. To wait for something to go your way or let things pass you by without attempt is cowardice. Don't self loathe when you know you had a chance. Shake your inner lazy man into submission and realize that if you can eat, shit and sleep, you can pretty much do anything. Don't be a cowardice self loathing lazy bag of poop.
June 14th (The Inner Meltdown)
Good evening you little fucktards! Today's lesson of the day about Meltdowns. Don't find out your ex of four years knocked up your replacement and is now getting married to her.....at work. This will introduce you to the inner meltdown. This is very damaging to your lounges and your sanity. If you are so lucky to experience this kind of melt down, I suggest coffee. Seems to keep the lumps of outbursts from creeping up. Forcing this type of emotion down successfully for 3 hours takes alot of practice...unfortunatly. To avoid an inner meltown entirly takes one simple method. Don't date shitheads. :)
August 11th (Grow a pair)
When I woke up this morning there was a big ol bug on my wall. Luckly, I caught my roomie just before he was leaving for work and asked him to "take care of it." He said I looked like a Vampire and proceeded upstairs to kill the little shit. He slammed the paper towel against the wall where the bug was chillin and when he removed it...there were partial remains but the body was missing! He said "I think its dead" and marched off to work. Now I got evidence of a bug murder on the wall and vendetta half crawling around in my room. My roomie would make a horrible Mafioso... Time to grow a pair and take action on your own to get the job done.
August 23rd (fml)
Hermit: Somebody who chooses to live alone and to have little or no social contact. Chosing to reject material things and to live apart from the rest of society. No expenses other than the cost of living and going against the grain of society's money hungry tendancies. Adios guilty pleasures, hello soilitude for the soul purpose of living comfortably in the near future. See you when I graduate...fml.
August 26th (Spread your splurg evenly)
Ok farts, listen up; I feel we have a "Bank of Communication" which harbors a safe filled with our magical words, witty comments, and common sense vocabulary. Ideally, we would split these funds evenly between our writing and speech. Lately I feel I've been splurging on my writing because I can't speak to save my own life.
October 4th (Ebonics)
Inconveniency: Not a word thats a word; ergo Ebonics. Used in a sentence: "I'm sorry for the inconveniency." (Sound effect: Me banging my head against the desk giving up on the world.)
March 5th (Cinco De Grow a pair!)
Dance with me you fools! Step out of your worn out shells and face the unknown in the eye and march on. Display what you were made to be and turn away from the crickety vows manifested by the clowns surrounding you! Take a leap of faith, grasp my hand, and sway!
As long as I'm breathing...more lessons will come.
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