Dumb dumb dum dummmb

According to New Hampshire, (with proper consent) getting married as young as 13 years old is logical. The only thing I've seen 13 year olds commit to is their love of Miley Cirus and Cheetos. New Hampshire holds the youngest legal age for marriage in the United States, while Mississippi holds the oldest. Boys of Mississippi! If you can drink you can get married! That’s pretty good because if I was getting married when I was 21 I'd HAVE to knock down a serious dozen to go through with it. What happened to marrying when you’re mature and ready? Ugh…that’s sooo last year! Careful you little rug rats, taking the plunge too soon is probably a bad idea.

The National Center for Health Statistics say half of all marriages beginning at the age of 18 plummet to divorce just 10 years later; So basically, around the time you should be getting married, you’ll be signing papers and fighting about who gets the Wii console when it’s all said and done. I wonder if the failed marriages have anything to do with getting married before hitting mental puberty. Between the ages of 18 and 25 one would typically begin “finding themselves.” Although you never magically “find” yourself by the age of 25, you do hit a level of mental maturity. This meaning, your no longer a whiny, selfish crybaby...typically. At this point, you can look at situations logically and make the right decisions such as--oh, I don’t know...getting married? Other reasons for divorce could include:
1)My hubby took a belly shot from the bartender
2)She spends too much money at forever 21
3)Cancun was more important to him then our 1 week anniversary
4)She got her fake taken away...we can’t go anywhere!
5)On a more serious note, we don’t actually know each other.

MY GOD what are we thinking?? How can you expect to devote yourself to someone before you devote yourself to...yourself or your wallet? Financial downfalls are a major reason why getting married before your first job is a BAD idea. (I’m talking to you New Hampshire). I’m sorry honey, we can’t get married June 5th...I have to babysit the neighbor’s kids so I can continue to save up for my ford. And if your 21; I’m sorry honey, we can’t get married June 5th...I have to cover a shift at the restaurant so I can make rent. Typical expenses for younger “ball and chain” volunteers include:
1)Car payments
2)School payments
3)That little black dress in the window of Wet Seal.
4)Fantasy Football bets
5)The bar tab you left open last night
6)Rent
7)Prom…eesh.
8)On a more serious note, can you afford their bills too?

With any situation, when it turns bad you do what you can to get out. When you crawl into a small cave, hole or maze you always want to make sure you can find your way out first. Divorce is an ugly word, and an even uglier bill. Unfortunately, half of all marriages end in divorce even after your career, finances and mental state is in order. A divorce hits you with three major financial setbacks; Divorce attorneys, decrease in income when your other half has hit the road, and of course the shitty miscellaneous fee’s that pop up sporadically out of nowhere. Kitties, I suggest you work out as much as you can before you decide to take it to the courts. The more complicated the divorce is the more money it will cost. Basically, my stubborn ass should NEVER get divorced…ever. Other costs include:
1)Large amounts of tissue
2)Cookie Dough Ice-cream
3)One night of binge drinking
4)Time spent on FB status changes
5)Time spent on deciding whether to change relationship status to “Its Complicated” or “Single”
6) And on a more serious note, figuring out how the hell you’re going to get out of yet ANOTHER pile of debt.

But hey, it’s not all sour apples and pins in your hinny. There are exceptions to young marriage. Remember its only half of all young marriages that end in divorce, there are a lucky few. Some couples have known each other for years prior to the final walk down the aisle and others develop even deeper after marriage. Who says “the one” has to pop up after 25 or 30? The one could have graduated with you or sat next to you in biology class. Other reasons for the; I do:
1)He gave you his class ring
2)….um
3)........?
4)Wtf
5)Well on a more serious note, pregnancy and truly falling in love. Love knows no age.

In my opinion, if you’re still devoting an entire week to your birthday…you should’t get married.


Resources:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marriageable_age
http://www.ehow.com/about_5494170_young-marriage-problems.html

The True Hollywood Story: Ruby and Peter (Bonus Material: The stuff they wouldn't show)

This is the behind the scenes look of The True Hollywood Story: Ruby and Peter

Interview: Ruby

Interviewer: “Matthew had mentioned and I quote: “her fame got to her head.” Do you believe this was true?”

Ruby: “Of course not”

Interviewer: “How do you justify your behavior?”

Ruby: “A lot of dogs get into Drugs, Drugs, Drugs when they become famous, not me. I took my vitamins and ate my mushy food for a long time …even the water was tainted. I had enough and I started demanding cooked chicken and pork…can you blame me? Look, Toto was a huge Junkie; he used to go on benders. He would lock himself in his hotel room listening to Genesis for days, keeping the drum solo in “Air Tonight” on repeat. Benji spent all of his money on cars and bones covered in diamonds and had to declare bankruptcy. All the puppies from 101 Dalmatians went to Raves and eventually convinced themselves that Dalmatians don’t exist and their “spots” were tan spots from the disco balls. Shall I go on?”

Interviewer: “No you do-“

Ruby: “Thank you”

Interviewer: “You know it’s funny, Peter also mentioned you were kind of a bitch”

Interview: Christine

Interviewer: “You have interest in being in a band?”

Christine: “Yes, it’s been a dream of mine for a very long time.”

Interviewer: “What are you interested in doing? Singing…playing an instrument?

Christine: “Both--all of them”

Interviewer: “At the same time?”

Christine: “People have done it before, it’s all over YouTube”

Interview: Matthew

Interviewer: “How did Ruby’s fame affect you personally?”

Matthew: “She knew a lot of celebrities…a-and we we’re all happy for her but, she started to forget how to behave."

Interviewer: “How so?”

Matthew: “She partied a lot, and flew out to L.A and New York almost every weekend. When we finally get the chance to spend some time with her she would always suggest activities we just couldn’t afford.”

Interviewer: “She also drew some negative attention recently, is that correct?”

Matthew: “She bit the paparazzi”

Interviewer: “All of them. If I read correctly she even started chasing a few of them down the street?”

Matthew: “Yes, but you know, she doesn’t have the ability to pick up bags and jackets to block her face from the flashes like everyone else…her little paws couldn’t do that!”

Interview: Rot “The Rotten” Rottie

Rot: “Oh ok…Peter, I’m sorry we cornered you…probably scared the little craps outta ya.”

Interviewer: “That was nice”

Rot: “Was that good? Are you going to show it to him?”

Interviewer: “We’ll let him know, now did you ev-“

Rot: “Wait…just one more thing.”

Interviewer: “What’s that?”

Rot: “Do you think I can get Ruby’s number?”

Interview: Mick Jagger

Interviewer: “I have to be honest with you; it is an honor to get the opportunity to interview a legend such as yourself.”

Mick: “Right on”

Interviewer: “I’m a big fan of your work”

Mick: “Cheers”

Interviewer: “What is your connection to Peter?”

Mick: “I met him when he was born; He WAS the Rolling Stone man. He separated himself from his mum and packed his bags for fame. As soon as he could walk he could sing. Brilliant...that bloody pup is brilliant. I gave him a career, I showed him the ropes."

Interviewer: “Would you say a lot of his music was influenced by you?”

Mick: “He had his own voice, but we came to him for his three big hits “Lick,” “Bark,” and “Jump into your arms.” There were some solo tracks he insisted on doing alone; like when he recorded “That Bitch” after he got neutered. We helped the little guy as much as we could but he had this obsession of re-recording “Inspector Gadget.” We just couldn’t be part of that rubbish.”

Interviewer: “Did he want to be a spy?”

Mick: “That’s all he ever talked about in the studio, but of course that git was never sober in the studio, funny little wanker.”

Interview: Huskles

Interviewer: “ah Jesus Huskles, I would appreciate it if you stop “Cleaning” yourself right in front of me “

Huskles: “I’m sorry”

Interviewer: “Seriously Huskles it’s like every time I look up from my notes”

Huskles: “oh this is awkward”

Interview: Peter

Interviewer: “He did, right into the camera”

Peter: “Haha what a Sally, I can’t believe it”

Interviewer: “We would all like to know if you forgive him. Maybe we can get an on camera paw shake?”

Peter: “He did not scare the little craps out of me, that’s ridiculous. You need to cut that out, don’t air him saying that.”

Interviewer: “In your own words, explain what happened that day.”

Peter: “They chased me and I got smart; I wedged myself between a couple fences knowing their big fat dumb heads couldn’t reach me.”

Interviewer: “You were un-touched?”

Peter: “Yea, like I said; their big fat heads couldn’t get me.”

Interviewer: “Ok, now I’d like to talk about your healing process after the bike crash--….um…Peter you can stop looking around, they’re not here.”

Peter: “You tell them if they’re ever fuzzy on how it went down I’ll be just around the corner to remind them.”

Interviewer: “I’ll be sure to do that, now if we can get back to--“

Peter: “I’ll scare the big craps out of them.”

Interviewer: “I’m sure you will….maybe we should take a break”

True Hollywood Story: Ruby and Peter

Within the past few years they stole the hearts of many with little effort at all. One was a bright eyed curly bundle of bravery ready to take on the world one step at a time, and the other, a floppy eared rocket of boldness taking life by its horns.

Rot “The Rotten” Rottie: “When I first saw them they had potential to be big, you could just tell.”

Huskles: "They were fierce”

From protests to a dog race they made their mark on the world and there was no sign of stopping. But life wasn’t always that easy for the two rock stars. Just as any up and coming pair there were struggles and trials that tested them in many ways.

Ruby: “Drugs, Drugs, Drugs…even the water was tainted”

Peter: "Jumping was my addiction, you couldn’t tell me to stop. NO one could tell me to stop…that’s how it was.”

This is; The True Hollywood Story of Ruby and Peter.

Huskles: “They were fierce”

In 2008 Christine was a young music therapist with an apartment to herself, a boyfriend and wildly ambitious mindset.

Christine: "I just love what I do; I get to make a difference in the world. I suppose my favorite part is the joy in getting to play with my music therapy instruments in the back seat of my car…someday I’ll start a band. I just know it.”

Christine’s boyfriend Matthew:

Matthew: “I met Christine while I worked at The Conservatory of Music. I’m a piano player. When I saw her I had to adjust my glasses because I was playing a lot of piano at the time and my eyes were a little blurry. But once my sight came too I knew she was the one, my lady friend.”

Their relationship rapidly bloomed into something special. But something was missing. Not ready for kids, Christine took a bold step and adopted a best friend.

Christine: “I fell in love with her the moment I saved her from that Puppy Mill- I mean brought her home from Carol’s Canine. I think Matt loved her too”

Matthew: “I play Piano”

And just like that Ruby was a part of Christine’s world, a new world…but was she prepared for what she saw?

Ruby: “There was this stuff I had to pee on…like kind of spiky but still soft and all the other dogs were doing it. I had never pee’d so far from my own cage before; the sunlight was so bright, the food tasted good. There were people…everywhere."

Although it didn’t take long for young Ruby to adjust, the road to recovery was a rocky one. Ruby’s Aunt (identity will remain concealed):

"There was a lot of medication involved. She had to build up her immune system to get her off to a good start. You could notice the difference right away. In no time, she was running around, her fur was fuller, and she was alot more play full…”

The new ambitious pup was getting noticed in a very big way. Editor of Vogue Dog, Ronald Snickerdoodle:

Ron: “She was darling, funny…kind of a wise ass though, but I loved it! I just had to have her in my megazine”

Soon she became Vogue Dog’s main attraction. Modeling wonder full dresses hand crafted from the likes of Vera Wang, Donatella Versace, Valentino Garavani, and Hollywood noticed. Pulled Red Carpet footage of the 2009 Emmys:

Eva Longoria: “You know, there are a lot of wonder full actors and actresses, anything can happen tonight”

Interviewer: “Speaking of, who have you been looking forward to seeing tonight?”

Eva Longoria: “I was hoping to see Ruby, I was told she was invited this year.”

....

Bradley Cooper: “Is she single?”

Where was Ruby?

Matthew: “Ruby was getting ready for the Emmy’s and she ended up getting into a verbal argument with Christine. Ruby was upset there was no one around for her to play with and she just didn’t enjoy drinking water, this was an issue that was plaguing her for quite some time.

Off camera interviewer: “Christine had some issue’s with Ruby’s behavior?”

Matthew: “Yes, Ruby was very picky and…kind of high maintenance. I think her fame got to her head.”

….

Ruby: “A lot of dogs get into Drugs, Drugs, Drugs when they become famous, not me. I took my vitamins and ate my mushy food for a long time …even the water was tainted. I had enough and I started demanding cooked chicken and pork…can you blame me?”

2009 saw a new era of Ruby and her ways. Modeling became more of a hobby and Christine brought her back to what’s important in life, companionship. Ruby’s Aunt:

“Christine talked to Ruby and we decided to be more proactive about her roots so we all went to a protest. It was a fun afternoon for three of us. We got some lunch, Ruby did a lot of talking…we made a lot of friends that day.”

That afternoon marked a new possibility for Christine, Matthew and Ruby, when Christine spotted a spunky little pal.

“I saw her looking at that Doxon; soon enough, she got one of her own.”

In 2009 Peter was adopted in the height of his career as a heart stopping Rock Star. He was known as the pup with the spunk, the lady’s man, and the pup with the pep in his step, but it was an uphill climb at its best, fellow rocker and friend Mick Jagger:

Mick: “I met him when he was born; He WAS the rolling stone man. He separated himself from his mum and packed his bags for fame. As soon as he could walk he could sing, brilliant... that bloody pup is brilliant. I gave him a career, I showed him the ropes."

As fast as he stole the hearts of millions he left leaving them wanting more. He moved to a smaller City and set up shop with a new family, and the hearts of Christine and Ruby.

Ruby: “He came on too strong at first…always trying to hump me. Maybe he was used to that in rock city, but I’m a lady!”

Peter: “Yea she was cute, kind of a bitch though”

As time went by the two warmed up to each other and became a dynamic duo; the talk of the Neighborhood. So much so the neighborhood bullies took notice and caused Peter to run for his life. Rob “The Rotten” Rottie:

Rot: “When I first saw them they had potential to be big like us, you could just tell.”

Neighborhood bully and partner Huskles

Huskles: “They were fierce”

Rot: “He caught me looking at Ruby and he flipped me off with his tail and I lost it for a moment. I don’t know what I was thinking. That’s friggin Peter! I would like to publicly announce my apologies…can-can I..please?”'
Interviewer: “You can go ahead”
Rot: “Is it alright? Can I-“
Interviewer: “Just look at the camera”
Rot: “Oh ok…Peter, I’m sorry we cornered you…probably scared the little craps outta ya.”

…….

Peter: “He what?”
Interviewer: “He apologized…”
Peter: “you’re kidding”
Interviewer: “He did, right into the camera”
Peter: “Haha what a Sally, I can’t believe it”

Soon after the chase of a life time Peter became addicted to speed.
……. The act of moving fast

Christine: “He loved running and jumping…anything he could do fast he did it.”

Ruby: “Anything”

Peter: “Jumping was my addiction, you couldn’t tell me to stop. NO one could tell me to stop, thats was how it was."

The addiction to speed quickly became an obsession that eventually became dangerous and life threatening.

Matthew: “I got him a bike. I thought he would enjoy it…he loved it. It kept him off Ruby for a little while and gave him the adrenalin he missed from his old days of rocking with Mick Jagger. I assumed I was doing him a favor. But I was wrong…”

After leaving the bars around 2am ET after a wild Sunday Fun day, Peter crashed his bike.

Peter: “Stupid construction”

Ruby

Ruby: “The whole entire WORLD knew the Humbolt Bridge was still closed!”

Throughout the months of healing Peter discovered what was important to life.

Peter: “I got to think a lot. There’s more to life than trying to make out with everyone and adrenalin rushes from speed. I knew it was time to use speed in a good way.”

That summer, running quickly became Peter’s passion and he enrolled himself in the Dachshund Race in the City’s annual German festival.

Peter: “I wanted to prove to myself that I can do anything and I wanted Ruby to take me seriously”

He came out victorious. Fellow race competitor Rocks:

Rocks: “He cheated”

The story of a puppy is filled with toy’s, happiness and dog treats. The story of Ruby and Peter was filled with trials, fame, and making a difference. Little goes a long way on a rocky road to life. This was The True Hollywood story of Ruby and Peter.

(FYI: This story is fictional ;) )

Hey Kids! Its time to learn! (Things you learn from the real world, not from stupid coloring books)

May 24th (I should have been Sober)

Hello children, today's lesson is; Never do favors for anyone. Apparently, the cool kids don't say thank you these days. Things are expected, things are owed to you, you are the fucking king of the world. My bad.

May 26th (An Attempt is Necessary)

Hey you little rugrats, Today's Lesson is; Check your b-day cards for checks immediately! This will avoid finding a $40.00 check from 4 years ago you can no longer cash. FRICK.

June 2nd (The Flipper Snapper oops)

Hey ya little turds, Today's Lesson is very important. During a move, pack your valuables in labeled boxes. Don't need to get anal about it but...it would be great to find my bus and Gym pass sometime flippin soon. Gaaah flipper snapper!

June 7th (A force of Confidence)

Hey little runts, today's lesson is to grow a pair. Slap your inner pansy and brown nose your ego. To wait for something to go your way or let things pass you by without attempt is cowardice. Don't self loathe when you know you had a chance. Shake your inner lazy man into submission and realize that if you can eat, shit and sleep, you can pretty much do anything. Don't be a cowardice self loathing lazy bag of poop.

June 14th (The Inner Meltdown)

Good evening you little fucktards! Today's lesson of the day about Meltdowns. Don't find out your ex of four years knocked up your replacement and is now getting married to her.....at work. This will introduce you to the inner meltdown. This is very damaging to your lounges and your sanity. If you are so lucky to experience this kind of melt down, I suggest coffee. Seems to keep the lumps of outbursts from creeping up. Forcing this type of emotion down successfully for 3 hours takes alot of practice...unfortunatly. To avoid an inner meltown entirly takes one simple method. Don't date shitheads. :)

August 11th (Grow a pair)

When I woke up this morning there was a big ol bug on my wall. Luckly, I caught my roomie just before he was leaving for work and asked him to "take care of it." He said I looked like a Vampire and proceeded upstairs to kill the little shit. He slammed the paper towel against the wall where the bug was chillin and when he removed it...there were partial remains but the body was missing! He said "I think its dead" and marched off to work. Now I got evidence of a bug murder on the wall and vendetta half crawling around in my room. My roomie would make a horrible Mafioso... Time to grow a pair and take action on your own to get the job done.

August 23rd (fml)

Hermit: Somebody who chooses to live alone and to have little or no social contact. Chosing to reject material things and to live apart from the rest of society. No expenses other than the cost of living and going against the grain of society's money hungry tendancies. Adios guilty pleasures, hello soilitude for the soul purpose of living comfortably in the near future. See you when I graduate...fml.

August 26th (Spread your splurg evenly)

Ok farts, listen up; I feel we have a "Bank of Communication" which harbors a safe filled with our magical words, witty comments, and common sense vocabulary. Ideally, we would split these funds evenly between our writing and speech. Lately I feel I've been splurging on my writing because I can't speak to save my own life.

October 4th (Ebonics)

Inconveniency: Not a word thats a word; ergo Ebonics. Used in a sentence: "I'm sorry for the inconveniency." (Sound effect: Me banging my head against the desk giving up on the world.)

March 5th (Cinco De Grow a pair!)

Dance with me you fools! Step out of your worn out shells and face the unknown in the eye and march on. Display what you were made to be and turn away from the crickety vows manifested by the clowns surrounding you! Take a leap of faith, grasp my hand, and sway!



As long as I'm breathing...more lessons will come.

Shit I do when I've had a few...

Ever meet me out for a night of fun and wonder…”What the fuck is wrong with her?” or “How much has she had to drink?” I do, I ask myself that question all the time. Well, ponder no more. Here are 10 things I do when I get drunk. Want to trigger my singing…vodka please. Make me shut up? Well…..eh...actually…haha that’s never going to happen, who are we kidding? Here is your guide, print it out, take it with you. Your own personal Drunk Andrea Dictionary.

Ehem....

1) Constant Bar Dice (Whiskey)…Am I proud of this? Hell no, I typically lose and at that point, do you really think I need another shot? Fuck no. I need to step away from the cup and invest in a loaf of bread and a dip on the lake. Maybe a little rehab…but I’ll say no no no… ( <---Yes I’m aware how lame that joke was but I couldn't’t help myself..)

2) I WILL forget to drink (Vodka). At a certain point of the night I will stop drinking. Nothing in particular triggers this, I’ll just stop. My reaction when offered another will be “Yes of course!” I’ll take one sip, set it down and the memory of that tall glass of what not will be lost forever. Those of you that have gone out with me, think back. When I leave a bar I always leave a half full or full glass. This bleeds into the morning after; often I’ll crave a coke, buy a coke, take a sip and ditch the coke. Am I proud of this? Fuck yes, I’m a tiny COSTA RICAN and ITALIAN (non-tail human) ball of fire and energy…do you really think I need more booze? NO.

3) This brings me to my next point, I hit (Whiskey). You say a joke and I’ll laugh, hit your arm or thy and say “ooh you.” Then of course I’ll do something completely fucking adorable so you don’t hit back. One’s that do hit back, don’t for one second think I’ll back down. I have this habit of thinking I can actually take down a grown ass man when I’ve had a few (Although I never attempt to do so).

4) I get sassy, turn into a smart ass, and get greedy, and I’m very blunt about it (Beer). It’s a cluster fuck of old school flirting techniques and modern day instant gratification, all the while keeping it appropriate and classy. Yea, I’m adorable.

5)I turn into Oprah and Dr. Phil (Beer/Rum)…that’s got to be annoying…seriously. Fuck.

6) Debate and or in-depth conversations. (Beer/Water) This can last for hours…literally. When you walk in the bar and ever wonder what kind of drunk I am…look at me and notice my hand gestures. If I’m using a lot, I’m this. If it involves me flipping someone off, then I’m not this. That would usually mean I’ve had way too much whisky and you should probably turn around and pretend you never saw me.

7) I’m quiet. (vodka,whiskey,tequila,beer,cig,beer,cig,whiskey,whiskey,whiskey) No I won’t get sick…just, think of it as a “calm before the storm.”

8) Tequila (Tequila)…oh Jesus…


9)As everyone has in the past, I have gotten emotional drunk. (Jack and sour) Thus why I don’t drink Jack and sour. You give me a shot of Jack, I’m fine. You mix Jack with coke, I’m fine. You give me a jack and sour…you are no longer a friend. Those of you that go out with me will notice I NEVER order Jack. This is why.

10) I get spacey/giggly (Champagne/wine). Every fucking thing you say or do will geek me out. I am not on the planet you’re on, I am somewhere else…trust me. One thing to know about me is I am constantly in deep thought. So much so I have been known to be somewhere else. I’m not an air head, I’m analyzing, thinking of a story scenario or in my creative flow. You may notice when I’m sober, I’m very calm and collected, and a little passive…well now you know why. When I down champagne or wine all of that intensifies and I’m gone. Peace.

More Bang for your Buck? I think not...

It has come to my attention the main actors of the-oh- so-retarded "Twilight" Movies want more money! Oh Please! I've never seen worse acting then the shit show that takes place in these "Films"...wait except for Miley Cyrus. The infamous break-up between Bella and Edward was painful to watch, and not the way it was meant to be. Bella looked like she was falling asleep and Edward looked bored. It was like watching paint dry! You'd think if the love of your life was ditching you for good you'd show the slightest amount of hysterics or panic. (Oh yea, she ran in the woods and tripped...right) I wanted to pop into my TV and shake them violently…"WAKE UP!" The angst of Bella and Edward was very similar (too similar) to Buffy and Angel (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WUFou7mOyp8). Why didn't they take notes? Sometimes a picture is worth a thousand words...


Throughout all of Jacob Black's scenes you would find me pacing the living room in frustration. Since when, in the acting world, does "looking pissed off," have to look so much like utter constipation? Why does Edward look like he's about to hurl when he's about to kiss Bella? Isn't the feeling supposed to be cautious, not sick? And how the fuck do you tell whether Bella is pissed off, sad, in pain or surprised? All her expressions are the same! Acting, or the art of looking like you’re in pain, is painful to achieve...apparently. Besides the poor character development and cardboard acting the movie was pretty decent, doesn't do the books justice though. As a friendly disclaimer to the actors/actresses I ripped apart for this blog, all is not lost. I'm confident the potential is there and I assume they've all done swimmingly in other films. To ask for more money for a piss poor job is ridiculous I must admit. What is your argument? Give me more money because I want it? I wish it were that easy over here in the real world. Besides sticking it up their behinds, they should take the money you know they'll get and pay for some classes!